Who am I

I hope that you all had a lovely holiday.  I have been back in North Carolina for ten days now.  Happy New Year.
This is one of my favorite scenes from Something's Gotta Give.  Diane Keaton who is in the middle of tears, is writing a new screen play.  Although she is grief stricken she begins a new script.  That's the way I feel right now.  Although I miss the family, I know that I need to keep on keep'n on. I need to find my new script.
The transition always feels like a whirlwind.  Back home in Massachusetts, every minute is accounted for, between the family and Grandchildren, my dogs Sam and Cocoa.
There are always so many things to do and to look forward to doing.
Once I am back here, all the invitations, stop and the silence is almost overwhelming.  No more "Mom let's go here!"  "Mom I am making this for dinner."

"Karen, there is a wonderful photo shoot, do you want to come along"

"Mammaw, read me a book, c'mon!"

Just silence and a very lame "To do list", nothing seems as important as being with the family.

"Who am I?"

Being a mother has been my identity for so long, and before moving to North Carolina, being a Grandmother was beginning to be my new identity.  It's the most joyful role I have played.

We have an unusual situation, because our girls, their spouses and the Grandchildren have moved into our home.  So, when I go back, I walk into heaven.  Back into juice boxes, children's programming on the teli and listening to all those voices in the house and the telephone ringing with invitations to the familiar.

I stayed for only three weeks in December, yet it seemed so full with family, spending wonderful times with my friend, Joyce and getting to see my Mom in Vermont.  Not to mention being back in familiar terrain and being able to visit favorite places.

The house is quiet, Ned is at work and I need to fill the hours with my own agenda.  Although that sounds enviable, there is silence enough to hear myself think...and the voice within keeps asking me "who are you?"  If not a mother, Grandmother or wife...who am I?

When I was younger it was easier to reinvent myself.  Children fill your hearts to overflow and you can take on what life has to offer around you with a happy heart.
Once upon a time, when Ashley was the same age as her son RJ is now
I have so much fun designing and lately business has picked up so I am preoccupied with processing orders and designing requests.  Yet, this voice within keeps asking me the same question.

Now at 66 years old, how does one create a business plan, get excited about things that just don't seem as important as raising a family?

If the family lived nearby, I don't think I would be faced with the stark reality of having to reinvent myself again.  I could slide into the golden years established in at least one thing familiar around me.

Believe it or not, over the last year my visits back home were long.  There were new babies being born, baby showers,  bridal showers, the wedding, and then Christmas.  So, that silence is quite profound right now.

Frankly,  I have put off the inevitable stage that a move requires.  Reinventing myself.  So, this year I will spend time adding new challenges and experiences that will help me to reinvent myself.

Perhaps the question is not "Who am I?"  Rather who would I like to become next?  And yes, although I feel just like Diane Keaton in that movie crying as she let's go of grief.  I want to be just like her writing a new script as she allows herself to feel the feelings.
I don't want to waste time, after all change always comes bearing gifts.
Until next time.